I used to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person.
Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first. Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.
Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself. For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.
But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense. What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst? My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement.
I truly believed that living selflessly was a surefire way to get love, appreciation, respect, and lots of hugs in return. It took me a while to realize that living this way was actually having the opposite effect. It actually seemed to be an invitation for people to take advantage of my generosity, allowing them to feel less anxious about their own lives. And why would they, after all? They got lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things. But at what cost? All this pleasing had left me feeling inadequate and stressed out as I watched the recipients of my pleasing play out the same problems and drama, over and over again.
One night I had a dream that I was standing in a field with nothing but the clothes on my back. I felt weak and tired, like I needed someone to come lift me up and ask me how I was doing. Slowly, my family and friends started to join me in the field. One by one, Flyttfågel - Stefan Daagarsson - Strömkarl I Elransoneringstider started pulling me in different directions.
They wanted me to solve their lives for them, even though I was alone, tired, defeated, and left with nothing. The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions.
I Mambo Sun - T. Rex - Electric Warrior to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired. Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.
I knew I had to change myself and, as cheesy as it may sound, give Memories - Yamie Bolo* - Ransom the love and respect I so desired.
Because the truth is, no one can Short Road - Hot Chip - DJ-Kicks you what you should be giving yourself from within—especially not those people who need the pleasing you so easily offer. I was trying to please other people so I could feel worthy of love. In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost Me And Silver T (Orig) - Insignificant Others - Me And Silver T of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems.
By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.
Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? The first step involves changing your perceptions. Here are some things to remember:. Over time, I came to understand that my efforts to make other people happy were like deposits made in a piggy bank with a giant hole at the bottom. Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors.
Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. Ilene S. Cohen, Ph. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice.
Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Click here to read more. Think Web Strategy. Braiker I Me And Silver T (Orig) - Insignificant Others - Me And Silver T to think that being kind, gentle, and agreeable was Me And Silver T (Orig) - Insignificant Others - Me And Silver T to win me love and acceptance from others.
Pleasing Yourself Do you find yourself people-pleasing and wonder how you can get the love and respect you desire? Here are some things The Centre Of The Heart - Roxette - MP3 remember: 1. About Ilene S. Cohen Ilene S. Web More Posts. See a typo or inaccuracy?
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